Under the Eiffel Tower movie review (2019)

And so, in the titular location, Stuart suddenly pulls out a seven-thousand dollar engagement ring and proposes marriage to his “niece.” Rosalind is suitably disgusted—he’s older than her father! Dad and Mom are also repulsed and tell Stuart to take a hike. Cut to Stuart bawling in the airport on his way back home. It’s there where we meet the person Stuart was actually talking to in his narration, injured soccer player Liam (Reid Scott).

Liam looks like a romantic leading man sent C.O.D. from Central Casting. He’s fit, got a winning smile and is adorned with a sexy salt-and-pepper beard that looks groomed by Aphrodite herself. The guy looks pretty damn hot. And then he opened his mouth and the spell evaporated. “What a crappy fake Irish accent this dude has!” I yelled at the screen. I was sorely mistaken; the crappy fake accent is supposed to be Scottish. 

The movie’s 15 minutes old and already we’re trapped with an increasingly unlikeable wuss of a protagonist and a guy who sounds like Sean Connery auditioning for Warwick Davis' role in the horror film “Leprechaun.” Since these two aren’t going to do each other (though Liam does broach the subject and I’m not so sure he was completely kidding), we need a lady. “Under the Eiffel Tower” brings us Godrèche’s Louise, who shares Liam and Stuart’s train car while enjoying a large bottle of wine. The duo endear themselves to her by first assuming she doesn’t speak English and sexually harassing her. When they find out she’s bilingual, Stuart continues his rapid descent into douchebag territory by insulting her taste in booze.

This is a Meet Cute folks! Louise gets off the train several stops before the guys were going to, and they follow her. She invites the men to a dinner neither of them can pay for, so Stuart uses his engagement ring as collateral at the restaurant. Louise has the good sense to leave her dinner guests and return home, but her good sense lasts about as long as this film’s goodwill. Through the first of many absurdly convenient plot twists and details—this film is one deus ex machina after another—Liam and Stuart run into Louise again. Soon, both men are vying for (and sampling) her affections while staying at her chateau, which is also occupied by a mysterious third man in a wheelchair, Gerard (Gary Cole).